Mortaine’s Blog

Oh, yeah.

Yesterday’s car servicing cost a little over $1200. It was the first time I’d had Kirei into the shop since October of 2004. So, that’s about $100 a month for deferring maintenance? Yeah– a bargain. Can’t do that again, but it sure worked out this time!

Work is weird right now. I will not discuss muchly, except to say that it is very weird to have the CEO notice me, much less be all happy with my work.

VERY weird.

Today:
Clean kitty litter
Start (!) conference paper
Get rebate stuff sorted out

This Week:
Post to Vlog
Install s/w on Mac
Get started on contract

I dreamed a lot last night…

I dreamed that I was in high school and I brought my dogs Harry and Hammer to school with me. was really upset with me about something that I’d done or failed to do, and I kept trying to explain that I wasn’t really irresponsible, it was just a series of bad circumstances…. But anyway, she was mad at me and I felt bad about it.

I then woke up, shaken because of all the dreaming about dead pets and being “yelled at.”

I went back to sleep. This time, I dreamed that there was a hurricane bearing down on my house here in CA, and that I was trying to organize the neighborhood survival plan, get water, etc. Meanwhile, someone challenged me about *why* I thought a hurricane was coming, and I looked over at and we kind of started putting our heads together to explain how the behavior of the local deer population indicated an impending hurricane. Meanwhile, as we were packing or unpacking my car (minivan?), and arguing with one of the neighbors about there being a hurricane, there was an earthquake. I tried to explain that, if nothing else, the ground shaking violently was a good argument for disaster preparedness.

Somewhere in the middle of the night, there was a loud, glass, *thunk* noise when Alladin knocked my lamp off of my bedside table. I got out of bed, put on my glasses, found the lamp, put it back on the table, but the bulb filament must have broken. Alladin was all over us last night, which was sweet but distracting.

So, there you go.

Analysis:

I’m afraid of being discovered to be a “fraud,” that everyone will realize I’m not as smart or accomplished or responsible as I seem to be. This is a very common fear of mine– of everyone’s, I think. These dreams revolved around the themes of being challenged and having to explain myself, and not having my explanations be adequate.

’s presence in both of these dreams is ambiguous, but she may represent a certain tenuous tie to my past that I need to acknowledge, or simply represent something that I respect, perhaps the part of myself that is honest and direct.

Recent influencing events: A mutual friend of ours emailed me back the other day, someone I haven’t talked to in over 13 years (not because of bad feelings, just distance). Also, I apologized to someone I’d been kind of bitchy to about a month ago. Also, I have a feeling that I’m going to fail at one or more of my commitments in the next 2 months, most likely the conference paper, given how much work there is to do, and how I’ve done none of it. Urg. Motivation is low on that one– I didn’t get the academic job, don’t know if I still want to bother trying… meh.

Click to play! (mp3)