I cried today. No, not little weepy, Lifetime-movie tears. Not ouch I stubbed my toe. No, I cried huge, massive yowls of sobs today.
See, Hammer has had a LOT of diarrhea and incontinence problems in the last 2 weeks. We barely had the tree up before he’d peed all the way around it. Every day when I come home, there’s a pile of wet, liquid shit somewhere in the house for me to clean up. He goes out every night in the middle of the night, and I recently had to start following him around the house and now crating him at night because he would come inside and immediately lay a big wet stinky pile in the living room.
And after I clean it up, I am in no mood to do anything but weep or curl up into the fetal position until I no longer can smell the reek.
Well, today John went to the grocery store. I had things I needed to buy, but I was so low, I just didn’t want to go. As he left, he joked “you stay here and guard the carpet.”
I was on the computer when Hammer came in and looked at me, once. I figured it was the “pay attention to me” look and motioned for him to come around to my side and I would pet him. Instead, he walked away. A minute later, I hear him walking down the hallway, except it sounds like he has eight feet landing on the carpet– plop plop plop plop– oh NO! Yes, he’d shat all the way up the hallway.
I threw him outside, but of course by then he’s all done, and I just walked over it, shaking my head, pounding my fists against the walls and just starting to sob.
I called John and told him to pick up the carpet cleaner at Long’s (we don’t own a carpet cleaner. Last time I wanted to buy one, John blocked that purchase– fuck it. I’m buying a goddamn carpet cleaner this fucking week) and bring it and the solutions needed home. I then picked up the shit from the carpet using paper towels.
By this point, I’m so fucking depressed…. I went into the bathroom and just started sobbing. I cried so loud, I worried the neighbors would come. I don’t cry like this in front of John very often– for one thing, I don’t like to cry like that often at all, and for another, I think it would well and truly scare the hell out of him to hear. There’s no real sound I can liken it to, except it’s loud and screaming and awful.
But the funny thing is, when I cry like that, let it all go, let it just BREAK, eventually the fulcrum passes and each cry makes me feel just a tiny bit better. Most of the time, I don’t even get that far– if I’m crying like that, I’m either hiding it from people (usually John) and have to stifle it, or there are people around who want to make me feel better and stop crying ASAP.
But when I let it go, run its course, like today, eventually, each sob feels just a tiny bit better.
I was lucky this time. I cried myself out before John came home. Even had time to take some ibuprofen– crying always gives me a headache. Not sure if it’s the noise or the lack of air (I kind of forget to inhale when I’m crying like that), but I can trigger a whopper of a headache with even a minor crying jag.