’s embarrasing pets meme (ganked from : For each of your pet(s), give their full name (short name), species, gender, age, and list the little things you say to or call them, as if they understood the language and knew what the hell you were talking about. Pictures optional.
Hammer:
brindle purebred NGA greyhound. Retired racer. 11-12 years old.

aka: Hambone, Hammy, Ham-ham, Hamburgler (rare), Biscuit-breath, Biscuit, Babe, Boy, Snuggle, Stinky
I talk to my dog a LOT, because he understands a LOT. I ask him questions to initiate activity– “Wanna go outside?” “Wanna go for a walk?” “Want a biscuit?” I also give the command “Hammer, go outside,” especially if he’s dawdling. To give an idea of a complex instruction that worked earlier this week, John told Hammer “Ok, turn that way so you don’t hit your head.” Hammer carefully turned. What amazed me was that John hadn’t pointed which way to turn (but there’s only one way to turn). I also say things like “Awww” and “poor shaved doggy.” Sometimes I mutter about how much more popular than me he is.
Allegro
black domestic shorthaired cat. 11 years old (we think).

aka: Legro, Legro-foof, The Rug, Foof, Cat, Kitten, Kitty, GETOFFTHEBEDRIGHTNOW, Stinky. Allegro responds to a series of clicks in the mouth “tk-tk-tk-tk-tk,” so he really thinks that’s his name.
We talk to Allegro a lot, but he rarely listens. Most of the time, when I want him to listen, I tk-tk at him and make a hand gesture for where I want him to go. The rest of the time, I tell him things like “Shut up, cat” and “No, you’re not going outside” and “You want dinner?” and other things that are obvious to him but which I, mere human that I am, feel I should blather on about. I frequently tell him what a sweet, good kitty he is, especially when he’s peeing in the litterbox or when he’s all snuggly and cute. I ALWAYS tell him “good kitty” when he’s taken his medicine.