I had disturbing dreams last night about two rich, spoiled blonde girls who go to an Arkansas farm and drink heavily, swear a lot, and have lots of sex.
In related news, The Simple Life premiered last night, in which Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie go to an Arkansas farm and swear a lot and wear trampy clothes and whine about their accomodations for 30 days.
When they arrived and were introduced to the family, “Cain” wasn’t home yet– at track practice. One of the girls giggled and said “And how old is he?” When told he was 15, the two girls gave each other the “we’re gonna get some with a 15 year old farmboy” look and laughed throatily.
The other family members are: Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, a 4 year old boy, a 12 year old boy (I think), and an older teen boy who’s probably about 17 or 18.
The look Mom gave them was a priceless Midwesterner “I’m going to lock your bedroom door at night, you dirty tramps” kind of look. And with good cause, as we’ll see later.
Time with the girls seemed awkward, so Mom and Dad sent them on an errand– shopping at the local grocery. Should be easy enough, right? After all, if they can do nothing else, these girls can shop. Before starting this experience, the girls gave up their cell phones and credit cards, so they can never buy their way out of their reality TV hell. This grocery shopping event prompted such great lines like “Hahahahah– what does ‘generic’ mean?” and “Can you just give it to us?” (when their grocery bill was $15 over what they’d been given to spend).
One of my favorite scenes was when they basically blew off Grandma, who then had to pluck and dress three chickens by herself. They claimed “Oh, no– I can’t touch a dead animal– I’ll get sick” (as proven by the sudden panicked swerving when encountering roadkill on their way to the farm). I had hope for Nicole– she seemed almost willing to do it. But peer pressure got the best of her, and she sat on her ass on the couch with skinny-butt Paris while Grandma plucked the chickens herself and remarked that there have been many years where, if she’d been unwilling to pluck a chicken, she would have starved to death (perhaps this is the secret to Paris’ emaciated look?)
Yet, when everyone sat down to dinner, neither girl seemed at all sick at touching the fried chicken on their plates. Though I may be mistaken– perhaps they were so repulsed, they felt it was necessary to shovel the chicken into their throats as fast as possible. I’m sure they made certain to purge all dead animal carcasses from their bodies after dinner, as is proper Hollywood etiquette.
I swear, these girls were like domesticated sheep– no longer bright enough to function without supervision and handling.
You know how, in our rantier moments1, we go on and on about taking some of the useless deadweight out of the gene pool? Why the fuck hasn’t anyone suggested taking Paris Hilton, a model and heiress to a $350 million fortune, out of the gene pool? The girl is already halfway there– she’s almost perfectly starved into transparency as it is. After all, is she not just a polyp on the colon of society, when it comes right down to it? Why do people sing songs about her, rather than just obliterate her from the already-overcrowded Earth?
Oh, wait, I know why– cause she’s so-called “pretty.” Right. Pretty and rich somehow entitle you to be so stupid you could never survive on your own, when other stupid people should be removed from the gene pool because they’re stupid, poor, and/or ugly.
At the end of the episode, the girls were sitting on the back porch smoking with farmboy the eldest, who got up to get a jacket. Paris turns to Nicole and says “He’s sweet.” Nicole agrees. “And cute, too.” And then Nicole comes out with this line: “We should have a threesome with him.” And they laugh and laugh and laugh.
Farmboy Elder comes back out with the jacket on, apparently clueless to their conversation.
But you know, I’ve been in the kind of farmhouse they’re in. If they think you can’t hear just everything from everywhere, they’re in for a real surprise. Just wait till one of them is brushing her teeth after a purging run and Mom comes in with the Kaopectate to help sooth her stomach.
I can’t wait to see the rest of the season. I want to know if they ever actually do any farm work, or if they just mooch off of their host family for a month before going home to mooch off of their own families and celebrity circles. Will they be changed by this experience? Can they get PTSD counseling for their month of privation and pain, sharing one bathroom with a family of 6 and their bedroom with the family drinking well? (”A well? Hahahahah. What’s it for?”)
1. Anyone involved in customer service or support eventually has that moment where they feel that the best kind of customer service is served by trebuchet and that some users are too stupid to breed.
