Mortaine’s Blog

I ordered a DDR bundle (red octane pad, pad cover, and DDR Konamix) today. I’ve decided that I’m going to die if I don’t do something about the weight and ill-fitness. So– play video games with my feet! Hey– marathoning was a bust– I’ve gotta do something!!!

Okay, here’s a goal. After the game arrives, play for 30 minutes every night for a week. See how I feel. Then, 40 minutes every night for a week. See how I feel.

Ideally, I think it would be great to dance for an hour each night and see how far I get. I think, though, that it will be important for me to play the game as a game and not as an exercise. If it’s a video game, I can be very focused towards winning/achieving a goal.

I kind of wish that more “regular” video games used a DDR pad. Like Baldur’s Gate– how wonderful would it be if you had to actually walk/run/jump in order to move in the game? I’d be walking/running/jumping for hours at a time, probably without even realizing it!

Things I worry about regarding my health:
I worry when my heart does this weird fluttery thing. I can’t tell if it’s just a flutter, or a murmer, or all the cholesterol churning through my veins, if it’s low blood pressure or even high blood pressure.
I worry when my right calf hurts. I think I have a varicose vein there– there’s a little vein that hurts sometimes up on the top of my calf. What if I have a deep vein blood clot and don’t even know it?
I worry that I will wake up in 2 months with diabetes.
I worry that I will fall and seriously hurt myself this time.
I worry that I’m in such bad shape, I wouldn’t be able to run away if something really bad happened.
I worry that my vision will fail, I’ll get glaucoma, and I will go blind. I’m inactive enough as it is– it would be terrible to be limited by a disability as well; I would certainly let such a disability ruin my independence.
I worry that my knees ache– are they grinding? Are they in bad shape, or just weak?
I worry that I can’t get out of the couch or deep chairs sometimes because I have no abdominal muscles.
I worry that my back hurts all the damned time.
I worry about my hair and scalp, and the way I’m always picking at it.
I worry about my hands and wrists, which are always a little “tight” and sometimes tingle.
I worry about my butt– I sit at this desk so much, I think I’m getting the “H” stuff.
I worry about my “sex parts” and the health problems I’ve had with them (and no, I don’t wanna talk about them, thankyouverymuch).
I worry about my self-esteem and what being fat is doing to it.
I worry about my sex drive and what being fat is doing to it.
I worry about my stress levels– someone who strains her jaw from grinding her teeth is not as un-stressed as I seem to be.

And no, I don’t need anyone to offer “helpful advice” on how to deal with this shit. I know how– get my ass in gear, work out, eat better, and generally take better care of myself. Changes like that don’t happen overnight, though– at least I’m at the point where I want to do something about it. For a while there, I was kind of like “So I’m that fat girl. So what? Fuck off and leave me alone with my brownie.”