Mortaine’s Blog

These are journal entries from 1993. I found them in a paper journal I kept for a couple of months. LiveJournal is the first time I’ve ever kept a journal for more than a few weeks. These entries remind me of a time when I was extremely stupid and young and made a lot of mistakes that went badly, but not as badly as they could have gone. At some point in the future, I will fill in the whole story, but for now, I put these in without much editing, except to change the names to abbreviations to protect the innocent.

Note: If you are one of my college-age or high school-aged friends on LiveJournal, I hope this glimpse into my past will help you see that people do grow and change, and that this time of your life does not define who you are or make you a bad person.

3-29
A says that we never get a chance to know each other, know that we’ve gone to college and changed. He’s right. Every time I talk to him, I regret. I regret from Thanksgiving on up, mostly. I regret B. A lot. Because I can only bring him pain. I will only ruin his life. I don’t want to do that, but being with him makes me feel like I’m living a lie. I don’t feel true to myself, or to him. He doesn’t know me like A did. He can’t. I can’t ever know him like I know A, or care about him the same way. He says that I I want is someone to sleep with, not him, and may the gods help me, he’s right. I hate myself for being so selfish. I hate the way I’ve fucked things up. and every time I’ve tried to correct it, and make it right, he makes me regret breaking up & he wants to get back together. How can I break up with him, knowing how much it will hurt him? How can I not, when it will hurt me so?

3-30
Last night I dreamed that I was driving J’s car I think to MO, and I skidded off the road and the car exploded. I got up, miraculously alive, and there was a truck, who’d also got into an accident because of me. Then, I was in a moving truck, and we were going to rent a movie, but it was $20 and that was too much money for one video. At one point, we were driving up a hill, and we had this incredibly steep hill, with a NESTLE sign next to it, which was on the map. We made it, but it was sort of frightening.

When I woke up this morning, I was surprised that B was there. I had forgotten him coming in last night.

For Durweali’s solo adventure, I think he’ll go to the Bardic Guild auditions and music festival; no weapons allowed. There, there will be an assassination attempt on him, someone trying to eliminate him from the competition. He will need to use magic or stealth to escape.

Also, though I don’t want to use spell points, it makes the game flow easily when someone can prepare & cast a 1st level spell quickly. So, I think it will be possible to cast spells w/o memorizing/praying for them in advance.

later….
We fought again today. Of course, I don’t know if it’s worse fighting w/him or breaking up, but sometimes I feel as if it’s all a lie. Maybe I really am life-bonded to A…..

3-31
M is NOT going to be a berserker! I’m annoyed that he tried, and I refuse to allow it in the game.

1-1 (I suspect this is supposed to be 4-1, actually)
B broke up with me tonight. Because he put a lot in & gets nothing out of our relationship. It’s sad, but I agree with himl; I don’t like to admit it, but I don’t treat him very well at all.

He said to me, “Steph, treat A better than you have. Don’t lose him, too,” which made me cry again, because it was really unselfish of him to say.

Hm. It hurts but not enough to regret the break-up. Regret the reasons, yes, but not the break-up. Maybe that’s why we kept getting back together.

4-5
I’m really depressed. My room’s a mess, so I’m crowded into a little corner of it. SAGA sucks. There’s probably not going to be a mod lottery this semester. The campus floods. The buildings are ugly and inefficient. The dorms are lousy. I’m getting really down. I just wanna live where it’s dry and there’s some space, and the food doesn’t make me sick. And I thought I wouldna be required to do stuff here, but I’m not being allowed to live my life the way I want to.

Santa Cruz looks nice. So do New College and Evergreen, godshelp me. I’ve head about a school in MI which sounds good esp. if I can get MI residency.

Anyway, I hope I either get off-campus, off SAGA, or out of here.

I pay $420/month to live in a box!

4-11
Well, here I am on the plane to Hampshire. Should get home by. . . . midnight. SIGH.

I’ve been thinking about the idea of a “fling” with B. I think, if we do, it would be at the end of the year. But, who knows?

There is some meat in my bag– I hope its o.k. by Friday. Maybe I will give it to them tomorrow. I have a paper to write, though.

The flight’s been bumpy, but that’s to be expected.

Mathilda’s story goes to fast. I wonder how I can change it & economize at the same time. I don’t know if I want to; maybe a novel is coming out, after all. That would definitely be something. Right now, at 15 pages, it’s about 3000 words. Is that a normal-sized story? I don’t think so. I think that’s the maximum for a place like MZB or something.

If I write it as a short noverl or as a long story, finish it, perfect it, etc., maybe Salkey would let me use it as a Div I. Then, I wouldn’t need to do an SS Div I, & could file my Div II next semester! Maybe not, but it is possible.

On the other hand, if I transfer, what’s the point of taking these courses & trying to do Div work, when I’ll be set back next year? Unless the school I choose is really cool about the Hampshire program…..

undated (I suspect this is about Brandon, but am not sure)
I’m feeling hurt because you haven’t ever written me anything but a lust-note, your calls are 5 minutes long + don’t say much, and I get the feeling (often) that you’re annoyed by me.