Now that I’m done with the beating-myself-up-about-it, and have actually spoken with her live, I feel better. I got a chance to say what I wanted to say (or rather, the stupid crap that one says, or not-says or whatever), and I got to listen to her whisper about wanting to cause bodily harm to a particular relative. It makes things seem sort of. . . . right. . . . when her relatives are driving her nuts.
Here’s my travel plans: I leave tomorrow morning at about 7 AM, get into Midway airport at 1, and drive down to Wilmette tomorrow afternoon in my rental car. Stay with ’s sister tomorrow night and, if she’ll let me, Thursday and Friday night. Fly home Saturday morning, getting in around noon. Drive home, just in time to set up for (gasp) the game.
I can’t believe I’m going to try to fit my game into this crazed schedule. I think I’ll call my players sometime in the next 2 days to let them know that the game might be cancelled at the last minute.
BTW: My best friend in all of this will be leaving town Thursday. staying over to Friday is really just so I don’t end up flying on October 4. Bad enough I have to be in Chicago that day to begin with. . . . .
Ever leave a message on an answering machine and, right as you hang up, think “Oh, fuck– I should have said this. . . .”
Yeah. So that’s what my phone call to my best friend’s family’s answering machine. Her mother died yesterday, and I called to leave a message on the machine to ask about the funeral service, because I hear they’ve been trying to reach me all day to tell me what’s going on.
Did I say “I’m sorry to hear the news.” ? “No matter what, it would always be too soon, you know.” ? “I’m sorry for your loss” ? “I cared for your mom deeply and will miss her” ?
No– not a word about what actually happened, just me yammering about how I can get on a goddamn plane to come out tonight if she wants me there. What the fuck? And that’s her parents’ machine, too– I should have said “Sean and Ian– I am so very sorry for your loss.”
I should have said. . . . oh, hell, there are a lot of things I should have said, could have said.
As a friend, I suck. I can’t imagine why anyone would even bother speaking to me, much less try counting on me in a time of real emotional need.
Oh, yeah. And do I now call back, less than 10 minutes later, to share my feelings and offer my sympathy and grief? Or do I keep my big fucking mouth shut because apparently I really suck at this whole post-death thing, too.
Oh, fuck.