Mortaine's Blog

OK, I have to make a confession: I am not a journaller.

I don’t journal. I’ve never been able to keep one consistently. And usually, my journal entries sound like 5th-grade fluff.

Actually, I still remember one of my journal entries from 5th grade. It basically went something like: “This year is going to be sooo coool! I am going to be cool! I love Pac-Man!!! Pac-Man is soo coool!”

It turns out, 5th grade wasn’t cool, and I was the least cool person that you could find in my 5th grade class (didn’t we vote on that?)

About 6 months later, I re-read that journal entry, the first entry in an otherwise-pristine Pac-Man diary. Even just 6 months more mature, I knew how utterly stupid I sounded, how childish it had been to expect that this year would be better than, or in fact in any way different from, the previous years of elementary school.

I don’t even want to talk about the following years, which I started with somewhat more enthusiasm (my Mom lied to me about Jr. High). *shudder*

So, why am I posting this “I don’t journal” statement to my online journal? Well, probably because of the absolute ridiculousness of posting about not journaling in a journal which, if you click the little calendar link to your left, you will have to admit is a fairly well-maintained piece of babbling accomplishment.

I said I don’t journal. But I do ramble. Sometimes I just talk for the sake of hearing my own arguments, to bounce my thoughts and ideas around, usually off of another person, and eventually come to some sort of decision about the world around me.

I did this to my mother today at lunch. I think she was a little bewildered by the way I kept skipping around and switching sides and arguing against something that, for all intents, is probably a good idea in the long run. I also think she was proud of me, because she knows I’m a critical thinker, and that I consider her a friend that I can talk with like that.

A lot of people my age have problems talking with their parents, but I consider my mother to be one of my best friends. I can have an intellectual conversation with her– something that isn’t always available in my life elsewhere.

I mean, I have intellectual friends and people I can talk/argue with. But, for example, my friend Brian is always on the opposite side from me in any argument. It’s kind of amusing, actually. In a 4-person game, it’s an almost sure-fire guarantee that Brian and I will spend most, if not all, of our energy trying to defeat each other, and will ultimately give victory to one of the other 2 players.

Also, I know Mom doesn’t have that kind of intellectual debate with other people in her life that much. The area in which she lives does not value intellectual debate and criticism, so many of her opinions go unvoiced, and sometimes even unformed (because opinions are ultimately formed in a space of conflict, of debate, of pushing and pulling and negotiating one point of view against others).

Anyway, there’s not much else to say on this topic. I’m glad I’m here at LiveJournal, though. I’m glad I have space to spill out the ideas that ramble through my mind. I’m glad I can sometimes flicker into someone else’s journal and say “Hi” or “Hey, how about this idea, or that one,” or “I disagree with you utterly, and here’s why.”