Mortaine’s Blog

No, I didn’t have one. . . I’m losing mine. Lately, I’m having trouble seeing things. This is not a new experience for me, though it’s rare for me to notice that I can’t see.

Either my prescription has changed just enough for me to notice, or I’m getting a bit of eye-strain from looking at the computer, or my vision has changed fast enough for me to notice. The first two situations aren’t all that bad– my vision tends to change every couple of years, always a notch or two worse. Eye strain, though annoying, does not do any permanent damage.

It’s the third situation that has me worried. Sudden changes in my vision can indicate anything from dirty contact lenses (unlikely– they’re disposable) or allergies (to the contact lens solution– I did change to a new solution about 2 months ago, which is about when I started noticing a change) to a serious eye disease, like glaucoma (which runs in my Dad’s side of the family– everyone except Dad has it!) or diabetes (which Mom has, and which I’m certainly not exactly doing anything to prevent).

The last time I went to the eye doctor, my vision had changed, but not quite enough to put me into a new prescription of contact lenses (I don’t think so, anyway– but perhaps it was the time before that when that happened?) My eye doctor and I discussed the glaucoma and diabetes in the family, both of which were somewhat new revelations to me at the time. I’d known the full history of the glaucoma since a year ago, when I’d visited my grandmother, and had spoken with the dr. about it before. I had learned about Mom’s diabetes about a week after seeing the eye doctor for the previous year’s annual visit. The long and the short of it is any sudden change in my vision, including spots, clouds, and blank spots, should be looked at. I’d say noticing a distinct degradation in vision in the span of a couple of months is sudden enough.

I have an appointment for Wednesday.

Wow. Last night’s ER really got to me. I mean, it’s pretty common for me to dream about something from a movie or TV show, but last night, I had 2 dreams. In dream #1, my husband was dying of some illness, and he was going to die soon and I had just a few days left with him. In dream #2, I was dying of some illness, soon, with just a few days left. In the second dream, I kept trying to talk to my husband about what was happening, and what I wanted him to do, when I was gone, but in the end I had to just do those things for myself.

Honestly, when a fictional character I care about– really, really care about– dies, I often do cry, and feel sad, and sometimes even mourn. I mourned the ending of Mercedes Lackey’s books Magic’s Pawn and of Magic’s Price, because I really cared about Tylendel and Vanyel (Tylendel dies in Magic’s Pawn, and Vanyel, the hero of the trilogy, dies in Magic’s Price).

But I also mourn for those who don’t die. For me, the saddest thing about dying is the people who love you and care about you who have to go on without you. The greatest love in my life is my husband, so for me, this echoes most in the life-partners, spouses, and great loves of these dying characters. In Romeo and Juliet, for example, Romeo doesn’t want to live without Juliet, and vice versa. Such a sweet tragedy, but what about those great loves who survive each other?

Those are where the real tragedy, the real sadness is for me. A great example of this, by the way, is in the Kathryn Rusch fantasy series “The Fey.” In books 1 and 2, a small island is invaded by the Fey, a group of magic-wielding, ruthless conquerors. In Book 1, the prince of the island ends up betrothed to the daughter of the conquering king, as a way to seal the peace between their peoples and end the war quickly. He loves her, and she loves him, in one of those terrific “love at first sight” kinds of moments.

In Book #2, they have a son. As in many fantasy novels, their kid is completely unrealistic. The son is exchanged for a changeling by the Fey– his “double” is stupid and lacks any real will or personality. His real self is way too insightful for a young boy (we’re talking 5 years or under).

Also in Book #2: the king of the island is murdered by the king of the Fey. The prince and his wife are coronated, but during the coronation, the Fey princess (now queen of the island) is murdered. She’s also near her due date for her pregnancy.

OK, so here’s my point: By the time they get to her death, it’s too early for me to care much about her– her story and her personality have not been developed well enough for me to want to know her, or to care that she’s dead. But her husband, the prince (now king) of the island– I care about him. He’s had more “face time” with the reader, and I know him better. So, when I was sad and upset that the princess had been murdered, I was mostly sad and upset because he was hurt and would have to go on without the great love of his life, not because she was so lovable as a character.

BTW: The rest of the novel, and Book#3 pretty much suck from that point out (I can’t speak for the rest of the series, as I haven’t read them), especially because the daughter turns out to be just as too-insightful as a 3 yr-old as her brother was. Unrealistic children have no place in fantasy novel. If a kid talks like an adult, is as insightful as an adult, and can fly a starship into a starbase of drones (Anakin), then he or she does not belong in a child’s role in the story. You can’t skip them ahead to adulthood without aging the adults around them, so either keep them away from being active participants in the story, or write them as real children (observe a child you know well, and notice not just the smart and clever stuff, but also all the other stuff, including the way they still have to learn everything).

Well, it’s another ho-hum kinda day for me. I don’t know what I need to do to get more energy– sleep more, exercise, eat right, take vitamins, stop drinking, whatever– but I just get so wiped out around this time of day!

Lately, I’ve been having a recurring pattern– kind of tired in the morning, get a little bit of energy at around 11 AM, burn through it by 1 PM, have lunch somewhere between 12 and 1, and then kind of crash at around 2.

By 2:30, I am ready for a nap.

By 4:30, I am ready to go home.

By 7:30, I have a splitting headache.

As I said– I don’t know what the answer is, but I’ve got to find a solution to this low-energy mode that I’m in lately. It’s hard to concentrate and get any work done, and I end up wasting about half of my day, just kind of killing time, trying to catch a second wind.

I can certainly feel my body wanting to get into the work4/sleep4 mode again, where I work for 4 hours in the late morning/early afternoon, sleep for 2-4 hours in the late afternoon/early evening, and then get back to work in the late evening until about 2 AM. Unfortunately, with such a long commute and no telecommute options, I just don’t have that luxury right now.

Sometimes when I’m feeling really overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I’ve committed myself to doing, I keep lists.

Actually, I keep a lot of lists. I have one on my desktop as an electronic sticky note, reminding me of which papers I need to grade, and the other things I have to do today. I have a “Tasks” section that I use in Outlook at work, with all the milestones I’m committing myself to achieving. I have a palm pilot, which I’m still trying to make syncable with my desktop PC (a slow and difficult process on Linux). I keep a list of priority projects for the household– things we’ve decided to spend time and money on doing.

The problem is, there are always things that get put on my lists that don’t get done. Basically, my lists are not complete– they have things on them that don’t get done, and there are things I do that aren’t on the list, usually things I do for fun.

For example, today is Cinco de Mayo. We’re throwing a spontaneous party in honor of the event. Did we plan this? No– hence the word “spontaneous.” Is “clean house, decorate, and shop for Cinco de Mayo” on my list of things to do today? No. It is not. Now, the party is certainly my idea, but I have to acknowledge the fact that I’m basically sabotaging my other plans for today.

I wonder if human cloning is ready yet. . . . . I could sure use a double!